About two months ago, my wife came to me with a concern that tends to hit us every few years. I don't remember her exact words, but it goes something like this:
"We are so busy that we don't have time for each other or our family, and I think everyone is feeling it."
She was right, and the symptoms were everywhere once she pointed them out. Most of our conversations had become logistics meetings—schedules, tasks, coordination—with little relational connection. Our kids were bickering more than usual. Despite living in the same home together, we all felt like we were becoming more and more distant.
While talking about our situation with someone yesterday, I noticed that this cycle seems to find us every few years. It's not like we wake up one morning and decide to become overwhelmed with too much busyness in our life. It just creeps up on us, slowly and quietly.
I think it happens because we don't notice that we've moved into a new season of life, yet we continue to operate within the old boundaries that once protected our time and relationships during the previous season. By the time we realize what's happening, we're already overcommitted, relationships are suffering, and we're somehow surprised to find ourselves here again.
In our situation, for example, the previous season was one where all our kids were young enough that they didn't really have schedules outside our family. I also owned a business where I had complete control over my calendar. But now we have two teenagers, and we've slowly said yes to activities they enjoy—which means Dana and I are also out of the home driving them places. And, as an employee now, there are meetings and projects I don't always control, which is good – it's just a shift we didn't really account for.
But even beyond the big changes, I had somehow filled up almost every early morning and evening slot with something. Not intentionally—it just accumulated over time, one commitment to one good thing at a time.
So I sat down and made a list. I inventoried everything that takes my attention—both the scheduled stuff and the ongoing tasks that just live in the background of home life. Then I organized it all using the Five Capitals framework to see how my time was actually being allocated:
- Financial - Work, business, financial planning
- Intellectual - Reading, writing, learning, creative projects
- Relational - Family time, friendships, community volunteering
- Physical - Exercise, health, outdoor activities
- Spiritual - Prayer, reflection, service
The goal wasn't necessarily to have equal investment across all five areas. Instead, I wanted to see where I could pull back while still being adequately invested in each area. Where was I overdoing it in ways that weren't actually helping me grow to be more mature or effective?
While doing this exercise, I realized that we're about to hit another big season that could shift our family dynamics: our oldest is about to get her driver's license. Earlier this year we were thinking that would free up a lot of capacity in our schedule because she could drive herself and her siblings to their activities. But now I see it differently. Her independence might actually make it easier for our family to scatter in different directions. We could end up even more disconnected because it'll be so much easier for the kids to say yes to outside commitments.
I'm grateful my wife spoke up. We had to make difficult choices and have honest discussions with people involved in our various commitments. But it was worth it. And thankfully, everyone was very understanding.
Now we have three nights a week that are just for our family. Dana and I are back to regular date nights. We're all eating family meals together again. There's time for games and for the important tasks like budgeting and making progress on house projects that have been hanging over our heads. It feels good!
I don't know if you noticed or not, but this is also why I shifted from writing these posts every week to every other week or so. I still really value taking time to reflect on what I'm learning and figuring out how to articulate it in a way that might be helpful to you, but it doesn't always need to become a blog post anymore.
I'm curious what this tension looks like in your life and family. How do you decide between good opportunities that pull your attention outside the home versus investing that attention inside the home? How do you build healthy, meaningful relationships at home while still engaging with relationships and opportunities beyond your family?
This wrestling with seasons and boundaries and attention—it's ongoing work. My guess is that it'll creep up on us again as family seasons change, but hopefully next time we'll notice it before we're drowning in the deep end and can make minor adjustments instead of a sweeping overhaul.
