When Dana and I were serious in our dating relationship, she attended one of my graduate classes about marriage and family ministry. In that class my professor shared a handout called, "Rules for Fighting." I remember holding on to that paper thinking, "This sounds important."
For the past 18 years of marriage, Dana and I have done pretty well in following these rules whenever we have a conflict.
I shared them with some creators in a recent coaching call (because we sometimes wrestle with life in these calls, too) and thought they might be helpful to share here.
đź’Ł No Scatter-Bombing
Keep the topic of the argument on topic. Don't bring other topics into the discussion. Otherwise, all the little bombs will completely blow up any chance of actually coming to a resolution.
Example: "Why don't you ever take out the trash when it's full? And our bedroom is a mess with all of your clothes on the floor, too."
🫵 Use, “I feel…” Statements Instead of, “You…” Statements.
Instead of making accusations, focus on how the infraction makes you feel, which is typically the root of the issue. Getting it out in the open lets you deal with the root as well as the behavior while also helping the other party more clearly see why the issue is an issue for you.
Example: Instead of, "Why are you such a slob? Take out the trash!" try, "When you don't take out the trash it makes me feel like you don’t appreciate the work I do to keep the house clean and peaceful for us."
🙅‍♂️ Avoid absolutes like, “Always” and “Never.”
Absolute language like this pushes the argument into territory that isn't true and doesn’t actually lead to a resolution.
Example: "You never take out the trash. You always ignore it."
Instead, see the previous rule.
⏱️ Call A Time-Out
Whenever the argument gets to a place where one party feels like they just need it to stop for any reason whatsoever, they can call a, “Time Out.” At that point, the other party must immediately stop the discussion. It's the responsibility of the person who called, “Time out,” to resume the conversation again within 24 hours in a calm and respectful way.
Example: "I'm done talking about this for now. I'm calling a time out."
Within 24 hours... "Let's talk about the trash again. I feel..."
âť“ Start with asking questions
Sometimes there's a good reason why something is the way it is even if you don't like it, so asking a question instead of jumping to a conclusion can often avoid a conflict from the very beginning. That often uses the framework, “I noticed ____. What do you think?”
Example: "I noticed the trash hasn't been taken out yet. It's full and I'd love for it to be gone today. What do you think?"
Bonus Tip: I use this last one in my one-on-ones with team members at work who report to me. Whenever I have some feedback to provide about their performance or an issue that come up, I go into it using this question framework instead of making accusations.
It also works well when confronting your kids about an issue.
