A couple days ago someone asked a question about connecting with parents at MinistryQuestions.com. It reminded me of last summer when I had two open-house dinners at my house for parents in our youth group. Neither meeting was very large. In fact, there was even some overlap between the two dinners of parents who came both times. But the one-on-one time with parents without kids around was still very valuable.

After some time to hang out and eat together, we all sat in a circle and discussed some of these questions openly. However, looking back, I see the value in asking these three questions privately with every set of parents represented in the youth ministry on a consistent basis.

1. What’s going on in your family and your kid’s life right now that would help me and the youth leaders know how to best work with your student?
We’re here to partner with parents, but no partnership works very well if the partners are off doing different things without communicating with each other. Ask parents about what they see going in in their kid’s lives that would be helpful information for you and any other appropriate youth leaders to know. What stories are both you and the parents hearing about school? What indicators of spiritual growth do you and the parents see coming from their life? Listen to parents share stories, but be sure you also share with them stories and insights you’ve picked up through their involvement in the ministry.

2. How can the youth ministry support you and your family better?
After you’ve heard a bit about what’s happening in that kid’s life at home, ask parents how they feel the youth ministry can best come alongside and continue to support them. That’s doesn’t mean you should bow to their every request — sometimes their expectations will be unrealistic. Use those times to gently share why you can’t or shouldn’t meet those expectations while giving an alternate suggestion that’s more appropriate.

3. How are YOU doing spiritually right now?
We all know that the spirituality of the parents is often reflected in their students, except their kids don’t try to hide it as much. That’s why the spiritual health of the students is often dependant on the spiritual health of their parents. Kids reflect what they see modeled for them. Ensure that parents are growing spiritually and that it’s overflowing into their family, their children, their teenagers, and their marriages.

A couple months ago I had a conversation with Brian Eberly about some of the great ways his church is shifting from segregated age-specific ministries to a more holistic approach of parent-based ministry. I asked him to write about it for us and he did! This guest post is contributed by Brian Eberly. Thanks, Brian!

Recently I have been experiencing a rather large shift in my thinking. For years I have seen the Church as the place to teach, train and equip young people for living out a real and authentic faith. I was even trained in college on how to pull off such a feat. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly believe the Church has a big role to play in that process, I just wonder, is that the primary role of the Church in the life of a young person?

If results are the chief way of evaluating effectiveness, one must ask then, are we seeing the results we had hoped for? Sadly, I have to say, no. Sure, I see many students that have come through my ministry over the years that are actively living their lives for the Lord. The high numbers of those who are not living for the Lord is what concerns me.

We youth pastors sit around for hours discussing why it is we see so many of our students dropping off upon graduation. Why are they abandoning their faith? Why are they walking away from the Church? Is it because we as a Church have failed them? Have we missed something? If we create a more exciting worship experience for them will they stay? If we create better programs that are attractive to their generation, will they stay? I believe the reasons are multi-faceted, and yes we as a Church, play a part. Beyond the Churches role and responsibility, I believe the weight of that responsibility falls on two very important people: mom and dad. The reason so many students give up on church and their faith is not because they don’t like the music in our worship services, or don’t like our programs, rather it’s because they have not seen a real faith lived out in their parents lives. They as a result view faith as hypocritical. They have not seen it lived out at home, so they don’t want any part of it in their lives.

Who ultimately is responsible? Is it the Church, or is the family? There is no question that God has mandated the Church to make disciples (Matthew 28:19-20) and equip people for ministry (Ephesians 4:11-12). The question is, does all of the responsibility fall on the shoulders of the Church? I believe the primary role of the Church is to partner with the family, not take it’s place. Unfortunately, much of that responsibility has been abdicated to the Church.

We have created programs for kids to be dropped off at, in the hope that they will get everything they need for living a God centered life. The average church spends 40 to 50 hours a year with children. Contrast this to the 2,500 hours a parent has, and it’s easy to see, who has the greatest impact. I find it hard to believe that the drop off systems we have created is what God had in mind for the spiritual nurture of His children.

It is the families responsibility, that being mom and dad, to nurture the spiritual lives of children. Researcher George Barna correctly states, “When a church – intentionally or not – assumes a family’s responsibilities in the arena of spiritually nurturing children, it fosters an unhealthy dependence upon the church to relieve the family of its biblical responsibility.”*

So what is the role of parents? In instructing God’s people to “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength,” (Deuteronomy 6:5). Moses presented them with very practical instruction on how to lead their children in living out that command. He writes, “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up” (Deuteronomy 6:6-7). That is some pretty specific instruction!

We are to pass our faith on to our children all throughout the day. In the slow time, (when you sit at home) in the go time, (when you walk along the road) in the down time, (when you lie down), and in the up time. (when you get up). This will not be accomplished in the “drop off time.”

Let us remember as a Church, it is our role to partner with parents in this ever important task. In our programming let’s dream of ways we can come alongside parents and families to equip them and resource them in their God given task. Ephesians 4:12 instructs us to prepare God’s people for works of service, so the body of Christ may be built up. Let us as youth workers not merely focus on preparing students, but let us consider how we may also prepare parents for the task of discipling their children so the body of Christ may be built up.

*George Barna, Transforming Children Into Spiritual Champions (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 2003), p 81.

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Brian Eberly is the Family Pastor at Grace Point Community Church in Tigard, Oregon. He’s been actively ministering to students for 23 years. When not doing ministry he spends most of his time with wife Robin and two kids, daugther, Brittnie and son Benjamin. He blogs at www.brianeberly.com. Feel free to contact him at brian@brianeberly.com.

The typical way of keeping parents up-to-date while on a youth trip is to call home when something bad happens. “Sorry, Mrs. Johnson. Your son has mashed potatoes stuck in his ears and can’t hear a thing. You’ll have to drive 5 hours to pick him up and take him to a doctor.” Messages like that is probably not the one and only thing parents want to hear about the trip so far.

I find great value in keeping parents updated throughout our trips on an almost play-by-play basis.

• Parents feel a part of what’s happening.
• They trust the youth leaders more.
• They feel at ease seeing and hearing the great time their kid is having.
• They know exactly how the trip unfolded, making for a better conversation when the kids get home.
• I can quickly share prayer requests and highlights right when something happens.
• Everyone at home sees the highlights and funny stories right away.
• The kids love reading my updates once they get home and reliving the memories of the experience.

Thankfully, several web services make it simple and FREE to keep parents updated with text, pictures and videos, all from your cell phone (txt/pix/video message charges may apply). I’ve done it almost every trip for over a year now, including just two weeks ago during our jr. high retreat. See individual examples here, here, here and here.

Here’s how you can share text updates, pictures and video clips from your cell phone with parents and anyone else who has access to an Internet connection.

Share short text updates

Twitter is the service that will drive your communication with parents back home. Create an account at Twitter.com and add your cell phone to your account (under Settings and then Devices). Once your number is verified, all you have to do to update your profile page is send a txt message to the number 40404. Within seconds, your message appears online at http://twitter.com/[yourusername]. Give that web address to parents ahead of time and tell them to keep an eye on it for updates while you’re away. The parents in my ministry are usually glued to it, refreshing the page every couple minutes, to get the latest update!

(NOTE: If parents want your updates automatically sent to their cell phones, they can create a Twitter account, too, add their cell phone to their account, and click on the little gray Follow button under your icon on your profile page.)

(NOTE: If you sign up for Twitter, feel free to follow my updates, too: http://twitter.com/rockinyp is my profile page. When logged in to Twitter, click the little gray Follow button under my icon image.)

Add pictures to your updates

Almost every cell phone has a camera on it now, making it easy to share pictures, so why not share photos of your trip with parents right when it happens? To post pictures in your Twitter updates, go to TwitPic.com and login with the Twitter username and password you created earlier. Then click on Settings in the top black navigation bar. There you’ll find a special private email address. Enter that address as a contact in your phone. To post a picture to your Twitter page, just take a picture with your cell phone and send it as a pic message to that email address. Add a brief description of the photo as the Subject of the message and send the picture message. After a few minutes a link to the picture will show up on your Twitter page along with the caption you entered as the Subject in your pic message. Simple.

Add videos to your updates

More and more cell phones are capable of sending video messages now, too. A new service called 12Seconds.tv does exactly that. It works the same way as TwitPic. Register an account at 12Seconds.tv, go to Settings, enter your Twitter login information and check the box to “Post updates to twitter.” Click Submit at the bottom of the page to save your settings. In the right-hand column of your Settings page, take note of the special private email address where you can send videos messages from your cell phone and have them automatically posted on your 12Seconds.tv page and your Twitter page.

(NOTE: 12Seconds.tv is still in early development stages. Joining the site is currently on an invitation basis only. If you request an invitation to join, but don’t get one after a day or so, post a comment below. I have a couple invitations left and I know a couple other people who do, too. We’ll gladly send you one.)

An idea for high-tech nerds

Instead of giving out my Twitter page address to parents, I embed my Twitter RSS feed into my youth group website. It’s easier for me to just tell everyone to keep an eye on our website for regular updates, but for most people it’s probably easier to email a Twitter link to everyone to watch. Of course, you could use TwitStamp.com to embed your Twitter updates into any web page, too.

Twitter can also automatically update your status in Facebook if you add the Twitter Facebook application and set the settings to do so.

A thought on privacy

As you update, be sensitive to what you’re posting. Some parents freak out and immediately think rapists are going to find their kids because you put a picture of them online or mentioned their name. You and I both know that’s absolutely ridiculous, but parents don’t always feel that way. So respect their wishes if they want their kid left out. Either way, use common sense: no sensitive information, no last names, no pictures from the bathrooms, nothing that could be misinterpreted without the full story, no frustration comments about the problem kid, etc.

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Been in youth ministry for 2 years or fewer? Life In Student Ministry has an outstanding team of youth ministry veterans waiting to mentor you one-on-one! [Mentorship made free for you thanks to YouthBytes video curriculum.]

Sorry this didn’t post last Friday! I’m out of the country on a missions trip with the youth group and it was supposed to post automatically for you all. Got into an Internet cafe here and found out it didn’t. Doh! Sorry guys. Here’s last week’s Freebie Friday. (Follow our missions trip experience here for updates and pictures if you want.)

Lifeway is offering a resource for you to offer parents called Living With Teenagers. It’s a magazine you’d normally have to pay to subscribe and distribute, but you can give them this issue for free. Get it here:

FREE copy of Living With Teens from Lifeway

CONTRIBUTE TO FREEBIE FRIDAY: If you’ve benefited from others who have freely shared their youth ministry resources online, consider giving back to the community by sharing your own materials here. Send me your donations for review and if I publish them in a Freebie Friday, you’ll receive full credit, a link, lots of gratitude and a warm feeling inside that comes from sharing with others.