UPDATE: Please read the comments below. This is not a serious post. It’s satirical sarcasm and does not contain a hint of truth. It’s a joke written by the founder of Youth Specialties describing in exact opposite terms what NOT to do. Do NOT run your youth ministry this way! This is written to such an extreme in order to point out the absurdity of running a youth ministry this way. It’s only a joke. Please don’t take this seriously or think that this is my personal philosophy of ministry. It definitely is NOT.
Ten Easy Steps to Guarantee a Successful Youth Ministry!
by [tag]Mike Yaconelli[/tag]
1. Dumb Down the Gospel. Employ attractive phrases such as, “Since I’ve known Jesus I’m happier, getting better grades, and captain of the football team!” Even better, reduce the complexity of the gospel into group cheers (i.e., “Give me a J!”) or simple worship choruses like, “God is so good…blah blah blah.” (Try singing those words in Ethiopia.) Or even better, try out some hip slang (i.e., God is “phat”; Jesus is a “hottie”).
2. Count. Constantly make everyone aware of your group’s attendance figures and the increases in attendance. Make numbers an issue by setting attendance goals for each activity and reward the group for reaching those goals. Spend lots of time throwing pies at the leaders if goals are reached.
3. Put Your Students on Display. As soon as kids become Christians or rededicate their lives or show real growth, put them in front of the group and have them share their testimonies—especially if they’re physically attractive. Let young people talk about their faith as much as possible and don’t worry about the fact that most young people have no clue how complicated and rough the real world is with or without Jesus.
4. Don’t Allow Down Time. Hey, kids today are [tag]MTV[/tag] kids! They can’t sit still for any length of time. Silence, solitude, prayer, meditation, fasting? All totally lame in the eyes of this generation! Nope, keep ‘em busy, active, noisy, and shuttling from one Christian rock concert to another. Fill every moment of your program with something to do—otherwise you’ll lose their attention (which would be disastrous because then they’d have to pay attention to God and their souls).
5. Stay on the Technological Cutting Edge. What would Jesus do? Are you kidding? Jesus would have the best sound system you ever heard, along with a DVD player, the Internet, instant messaging, the coolest Web site, and of course a digital TV. Show your kids that when it comes to the latest technology, Christians are right there! I mean, who needs to read when you can watch?
6. Create Celebrities. Make sure your young people get an earful and eyeful of the latest Christian music stars, video stars, and NFL players who profess their faith in Jesus on national television. Encourage your young people to worship, idolize, and live under the illusion that these people are somehow better, deeper, more Christian, more together, and more dedicated than them. Let them believe that the marketed images of these celebrities are completely representative of them—even though you know it isn’t true.
7. Let Youth Group Take the Place of [tag]Church[/tag]. Oh sure, encourage your kids to attend the contemporary service—even though you know most of them never will because church is “boring,” filled with “dull, old people,” and the music “sucks.” Whatever you do, though, don’t suggest that worshiping with people they don’t like and connecting with people who are older and wiser just might save them when their adolescent view of the world is shattered. Just keep convincing your students that youth group is a good substitute for church.
8. Tow the Parental Line. Whatever you do, don’t cause friction with parents by suggesting to their kids that grades, SAT scores, financial security, college degrees, and athletic scholarships really don’t matter. Just accept the fact that most parents want their children to attend youth group as long as it doesn’t interfere with hockey, football, ice skating, tennis, ballet, or baseball practice. And don’t encourage young people to resist their parents’ attempts to smother the call of God on their lives, either. After all, you could get fired!
9. Ignore the Arts. Never encourage painting, dance, sculpture, writing, poetry, ballet, or trips to the museum, symphony, and opera. Stick with activities that rock! The WWF rules!
10. Live in the Now! Verify the success of your ministry by visible, measurable, observable results you see now. Don’t waste your time worrying about lasting results. Who can wait?! Go for the instant return. Hey, once your kids leave youth group, you aren’t responsible for what happens to them anyway, right?
11. “Us” Versus “Them.” (Yeah, yeah, I know I said “Ten Steps”—sue me.) Convince your kids that the only way Christians can make a difference is through public, physical confrontation with the “world.” Explain that this “world” is “them,” and Christians—the good guys—are “us.” And since it’s us against them, we have to “stand up for our faith.” Encourage them to march in rallies, wear slogan-filled T-shirts, hang banners, and do whatever it takes to get in the world’s face. Convince them that the Devil and his demons are running around, wreaking havoc—and the only way to deal with the Devil is to confront and “bind him.” Don’t let them believe that evil is much more seductive, much more camouflaged and tricky than they could ever imagine. And whatever you do, don’t start getting into Jesus’ strategy of powerlessness.
Now go get ‘em!
(ht jacob)
About me: I am married to my beautiful wife, 
December 11th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
I don’t know if I should be laughing or crying as I read these 10 (I mean 11) easy steps.
December 12th, 2006 at 10:56 pm
Ah, the reverse psychology is fascinating!
December 27th, 2006 at 12:15 pm
excellent
January 18th, 2007 at 11:54 am
This is a joke right? Please, tell me it’s a joke :).
January 18th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
Yes, Hannah, it’s something like satirical sarcasm or something, I dunno. It’s a joke with a hint of unfortunate reality.
February 22nd, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I can’t figure this out. I hope and pray that it is a joke.
February 25th, 2007 at 2:35 am
I got confused several times, next time just say what you mean. God Bless
February 26th, 2007 at 7:18 pm
WWF is way better than Painting
March 3rd, 2007 at 10:31 pm
Yes, this is sarcasm. It has taken some reality of what has happened in ministries before and using them to tell what should NOT happen in ministry.
March 9th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
So i started working on these 10 steps I figuered I would take it one at a time, and my kids really seem to be reacting to this theory! It’s awesome, as I was preaching the Gospel I let them know that “For God is so Pimp and so Phat!! that he gave hiz only son-son and whoever believes aint no death gonna come upon’em but will live 4eva!” and of course smacked my teeth and wore my gang colors. And half of them accepted da truth! Next week TESTIMONY WEEK for the Newbie Christians!!!
March 9th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
LOL! Julio, you crack me up! Thanks for your comment.
June 4th, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Well you managed to get a rise out of me with this one. I can’t stand scarcasm - why use lies to attempt to communicate the Truth? Scarcasm only works in American society.
July 31st, 2007 at 9:10 pm
Hmmm, 10 easy steps. I’ve been involved in youth ministry since 1985. I have yet to discover any 10 step formula for guaranteed success.
Youth ministry is a bizarre combination ofthings, it’s thrilling, fun, challenging and exciting, yet it can tear your heart out, drive you to the roots of your faith,. It’ll keep you young and it’ll give you grey hair - or no hair !! Every second of it is worthwhile . Our teens are a vital and integral part of our church right now, here, today. We can not invest enough time, effort energy or resources in these awesome people. My “secret to success” is to be in the Word, be in prayer and then just pour into them what God pours into my spirit. Bottom line - teens love to eat, that’s true physically but it’s also true spiritually - Get them hungry for the Word - for the things of God. Don’t create an entertainment fun club. Leave all the rest up to Him!
God bless
August 1st, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Tim,
I am completely at a loss of words, shocked and appalled. What are you thinking ? using the words “dumb” and “gospel” in the same phrase ??
The Gospel message was designed by God so that even a child can understand.
The claims of Christ are anything but complex. To “reduce the complexity” of the gospel has another term ” watering it down”
I was gloriously saved at the age of 7 and even at that age, I understood the plan of salvation. Today we live in a world where the Gospel has been watered down to be socially acceptable.
IF YOU THINK WE NEED TO “DUMB DOWN” THE GOSPEL MY FRIEND, I WON’T BE A PART OPF THIS WEBSITE.
GROW UP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
August 1st, 2007 at 1:16 pm
@ Jason: This was written by Mike Yaconelli, the founder of Youth Specialties. Please read the above comments.
August 3rd, 2007 at 11:40 am
Tim, my friend if I were you I’d seriously take your own advice - think before you post. Be careful who you quote on your site. I have to agree with Jason
There are no 10 steps to guaranteed success in ministry any more than there’s no guaranteed 10 steps to success in child rearing. (we’ve raised a few)
In my years of ministry it’s been a matter of prayer, prayer, more prayer, seeking God, preaching the whole counsel of God and allowing the Holy Spirit to do a work only He can do. Magic formula ?? NO WAY !! It’s just a matter of listening to the Father and acting in obedience.
Pastor TJ
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:53 pm
I guess I should post and update in the actual post rather than assuming people will read the comments.
This is not a serious post. It’s satirical sarcasm and does not contain a hint of truth. It’s a joke written by the founder of Youth Specialties describing in exact opposite terms what NOT to do. Do NOT run your youth ministry this way! This is written to such an extreme in order to point out the absurdity of running a youth ministry this way. It’s only a joke. Please don’t take this seriously or think that this is my personal philosophy of ministry. It definitely is NOT.
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Good idea bro!
August 3rd, 2007 at 3:53 pm
ps. love your other stuff ! keep it up !
August 30th, 2007 at 12:02 pm
I hope most of the people that posted comments which “down” you and take offense to this post do a much better job at reading their Bible, Tim! “To Bearean or not to Berean, that is the question.” Research before you retaliate!
Come on guys… who actually read this, took it wrong and prayed about it, asking the Spirit to help you DISCERN truth in it?
I admit, at first I took it the wrong way. Then, when I went back and actually READ THE WHOLE, COMPLETE, ENTIRE post, I felt like a fool!
Good job, Tim. Keep’em comin’ brah!
August 30th, 2007 at 1:31 pm
Thanks, Guy! It does get a big frustrating when people jump to conclusions without reading the whole thing. Miscommunication is never a good thing.
September 4th, 2007 at 10:13 am
hey man, I really was offended when I first read it, than Iooked at the comments to see how other people would respond and I had an GREAT laugh.
I sent this to my youth pastor, as a prank….pretty funny stuff.
It is so true, there are SO MANY churches (in my opinion) around where I live that do this exact thing man….anyway…good stuff
Thanks God Bless
-Laurence Rock
September 4th, 2007 at 10:50 am
Thanks for reading the whole post and the comments before passing judgment, Laurence!
November 28th, 2007 at 7:02 am
Well, u nearly got me too! Actually I thought it was a good idea, except that some of the steps are way too extreme. I’m thinking of trying some out and see the reaction here (God help me in the long run!).
December 6th, 2007 at 8:35 am
this generation isn’t afraid of boundaries. this generation is hungry for love and for youth leaders who will lay down their lives for them. it isn’t about faking it till you make it in your ministry. it is about being an instrument in god’s hands where he can use us to reach our generation through the power of god. this generation needs another pentecost. they need to connect with the holy spirit in such away that he captures the affections of their heart. dont entertain them. be yourself. face your identity crisis and quit doubting that you arent called. just catch the fire of the holy spirit and let that fire spread on the young people. if you dont got the fire, if you dont have the will or the calling then you dont need to be in youth ministry. u need to be learning to be a child of god.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:17 am
Tim,
I’ve been leading youth ministeries for about 5 years now and it’s surprising how lots of big churches run their youth group this way. After many years of this “Pizza and yo-yo” youth group, kids go to college/graduate school and become atheists or agnostics. For kids to become salt and light in this world, churches need to set the example distinctively as salt and light and fearlessly preach the word of God instead of trying to come to a compromise.
January 22nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
@ John Kim: Yeah, it’s not just big churches, though. Small churches can be just as guilty, especially when trying to create hype and excitement for their smaller groups thinking that having a bigger group is better than being diligent with the fewer kids they already have.
January 29th, 2008 at 3:13 am
this is rediculous.. i’m part of a youth group but seriously..
phat? hottie? i don’t think i’ve heard ANYONE EVER say that haha
ok…..
August 22nd, 2008 at 7:00 pm
tim that was awsome,
Im a New Zealander (little place in the pacific)and the sarcasum was great! i think some of the readers need to lighten up!
reading some of the coments make me laugh and shake my head
SMILLE GUYS